Relieved to be here

[chevdoc]

Hi all!  I'm new.  I just want to say that simply reading through these posts have already helped me immensely.  It feels good to know there are others out there who are going through the same thing I am and that there is actually a resource available for us guys.  I am looking forward to talking with you.
Also, its worth noting (FOR GUESTS) that it took some doing to get permisions to post and join.  Either there is a problem with the spam guard, or part of the screening process is initiating contact via e-mail.  Once I did that, I was allowed access.  Don't give up, guests!  If you don't receive e-mail confirmation, just flip the Moderator an e-mail!  It took 2 days for me. 

Thanks guys!
Chev

[frenchy70]

Hello there im new here as well. I feel the same about the wait for a confirmation in to the member ship on this site.
But im glad this site exist for man. I would like to know if there anyone who is going to the same as me in my situation?

My son is now 7month old and me and my partner split on newyears eve.
Lets put it this way, the relation ship was putting me in danger for my safety.
Now that we are apart im trying to cope whit the idea of being a single dad and still maintening a relation ship whit my ex.

If there anyone who can inlight me on the subject and willing to chat.

sincerely a consern father

[chevdoc]

I'm sorry for your situation.  My relationship has not gotten to that point yet (I hope it does not).  But if it ever did, I would still try to be the best father I could to my daughter even though I'm not there all the time.  Maintaing a cordial relationship with the mother is also a must if you want to have a good relationship with your child.  Make sure you find an outlet in which you can corroborate with others like yourself for support. 

[chevdoc]

A little background on me:  I am a 37 year old father of one beautiful daughter.  She is 19 months old.  I started my battle with this well before she was born.  Just like you, I was severely stressed and anxious -I questioned my ability as a parent.  I tried to prepare myself- I read some chapters in books, researched online, took classes at the local hospital, and talked with some friends who were parents.  When the time came, I thought I was prepared- Man was I lost!  For the first year, I just didn't want to be around.  My daughter had collick and screamed alot. She was breastfed so my wife and daughter developed this close bond right away yet the child would scream if I held her.  I felt depressed and left out.  Much of the time I would try to help by picking up some slack doing household duties.  It seemed logical to me that I was doing my part, but again I was wrong.  My job has odd hours and I am off in the mid week.  These days I was alone with my daughter.  Those days were hell.  I had no Idea what to do with the kid all day.  I would call in help from the grandparents regularly.  My wife quickly resented me for the fact I wasn't devloping a good relationship with my daughter and not helping actually caring for her. Our marriage turned sour.  I felt GUILTY most of the time and would retreat into the computer ALOT.  I thought " well, I'm no damn help anyway". I became more and more depressed as time went on.  I was messing up at work, drinking heavily etc..  My wife finally forced me to seek professional help.  I begrudgingly went to therapy and got on happy pills for months- That didn't work.  I began to change by myself and things slowly began to get better- one by one, I would tweak an attitude here, change a pattern there.  My attitude began to improve, yet I was still driven mostly by guilt and fear.  And my daughter still didn't really like me.  I also turned into this subservient yes man- which did nothing for my self esteem or depression.  Things overall are better than they were, but I am still dealing with PLENTY of setbacks.  I regularly research and soul search ways to save our marriage (and sanity)and now it seems things are fine for a few weeks and something will instantly turn bad and all the past comes pouring out on me like I have made no progress at all.  As it stands, my marriage is still on the rocks.  I can say, now that my daughter is older, I have a slightly better relationship with her (thank god)

[rssooner]

chevdoc and frency70,

first, I am 38 years old with a 2 1/2 old son.  I was one of the first to post on here and it was well worth it so i urge you to keep using the site. 

Relationships with spouses/sign. others take a huge hit when you have children.  mine certainly has had its ups and downs.  dealing with the adjustment of having a child and not meeting our own expectations takes a huge hit on us as a father, husband, b.f. and as a man.  The guilt is overwhelming to say the least.  I know this b/c I felt this all too much.  What I have learned is to do 3 things.  1. Communicate, Communicate and then communicate even more with your spouse/sign. other. 2.  Do the very best you can.  You may not always be the super dad but as long as you love your child and do your best then you are going to raise a great child 3.  Don't be so hard on yourself.  Don't beat yourself up if you have a bad day.  If you keep these in mind everyday then your positive outlook will over power the negative.

i hope this helps.

rssooner

[frenchy70]

Ty you guy's for your replies. Just a little bit about my self, im a 40 y old french man living in vancouver.
Me (Patrick) and my partner Yes we where F/B if you like to know. then we decide to give a go.
Then came the sheating on her part then we found out that she was pregnant.The question was is the kid going to be mine....awfull to feel this way. Needless to say after she sheated on me the relation went saour abit. We didn leave together at the time of the prgnancy, we barely spend time together. I did like most guy's on this did. read baby book and surch internet for any inlightment. We try conseling for or relation ship, try to forgive her for the mistake she did. We failed due to a lack of honesty. Comunication was never  easy between us and still is not today.We finaly came to a pont that i wanted to be there for her and do the right thing. Or relation ship still rocking and not on solid ground. we proceed to moved in together, 2 month befor the birth of or child Leopold 7 months now.I honestly can tell you moving in whit her was not the right thing to do for me or her. As the time goes bye i realise the she hated me from the bigining and never wanted to be whit me at all. That the reason why she was hitting me and spitting in my face and the useale verbal put down by her. I finaly say no more hitting and abuse on the 26 of december. Now im alone in or apt until the end of the lease and see my child maybe a couple hours every couple days. Im really feeling down today for trying so hard and taking it for so long to still find my self alone

[chevdoc]

Sounds horrible!  If there is any doubt to whether the child is yours, I would definitely have testing done.  It seems you may have some fighting to do in court.  Of this I have no experience.  If it turns out he is yours, I would try to remember that out of all the turmoil, something good came of it- your son, and that's what I would focus on. I would definitely seek some professional counseling for your depression to keep it in check- you need to be ok with yourself before you can be a good father.

I wish you luck

Chev

[chevdoc]

RS--


Jesus, I thought the worst was over--
My wife will STILL not communicate with me.  She only communicates meaningfully with me through the therapist- and then it is pure hate. She feels I "self-diagnosed" myself with this "hogwash" affliction!  (I have yet to meet with a counsellor who recognizes PPND- I've had 3) Despite constant effort on my part, I have offended with no chance of recourse.  I have learned that her rendition of the matter is so convoluted and wrought with melodrama, that she, without much effort, sways most to her cause.  Yet, she will not offer an exit either.  The scary thing is that if she offered it, I would take it!  I am that miserable.  I have graced her WELL OVER A YEAR for her to have her feelings and come to terms with them. I have bent to the point of breaking.  I have conceded more than most would be willing. How long must I endure emotional BEATINGS???  I am beginning to think that she is continuing this to force ME to make the black decision so our daughter can never blame her for making it. Why else would she remain in such an "execrable" relationship?

I have owned up to all the mistakes I made in the past and to this day, punish MYSELF for making them.  I don't need her help!  She makes me out to look like the devil though-- I never hit shake grab, I don't yell explitives/namecall, I'm not on drugs or cheat or visit hookers (like in the video).  I have had multiple therapists assure me that I am not an alcoholic (because I was worried), or have anger management issues.  I don't strike or break things.  I am constantly employed, and I do regular housework and maintainance and the like.  I have always been there- I am always either at home or at work.  I have alot more plusses too!  In short, I do my part and then some.  My relationship with my daughter has improved GREATLY!  She is happy to see me when I get home and things are generally "normal" that is, the way they should be, with her.

If the roles were reversed and my wife had post-partum, I would be supportive and empathetic.  I would NEVER beat her about the head with it and BLAME her for having it! Why can't she do the same for me???  Believe me when I say, her candor has been less than amicable.

RS, you are lucky to have such an understanding, loving wife who could forgive your shortcomings, be there for you unconditionally
through sickness as well as health, for better or for worse.  Unfortunately, some of us don't have that luxury.
Anyway, thanks for being there and
thanks for letting me vent.

chev

[NewDadInNJ]

RS--

Jesus, I thought the worst was over--
My wife will STILL not communicate with me.  She only communicates meaningfully with me through the therapist- and then it is pure hate. She feels I "self-diagnosed" myself with this "hogwash" affliction!

...
 
Anyway, thanks for being there and
thanks for letting me vent.

chev

Hello.  I read through your whole post and wanted to sympathize considering how this is clearly a very tiring and frustrating situation for you...    My position is nowhere near as rough (by comparison) and I really feel that it SUCKS (for lack of a better term) that you're going through this without any help from your Wife.    Of all people, she should be the one who cares most about your emotional well-being and it's a shame it is the opposite...

I assume the "black decision" you refer to would be suggesting a divorce?    It must hurt a LOT to feel that is how she is trying to sway the situation.   I can see you realize that she may be trying to "wash her hands" of the responsibility of the decision, since you say it would mean that you would be the bad-guy when the story is eventually told to your daughter.  I'm not a lawyer, but I'd figure there are legal ramifications that come into play for each spouse when another is the one to make that Black Decision...

Anyhow, it is probably best to not dwell on that if possible...

I quoted a particular point of your post that I find interesting, as it is something that I (and I see others) have experienced as well.   My Wife found it odd (and practically used it against me) that I was able to figure out that I was depressed, and subsequently express some of my feelings about the subject.  It's like it is "Wrong" for a man to have the ability to recognize an issue and not be able to resolve it.  And in a way, I did feel this myself and also felt guilt and shame that I could not handle my emotions...  I also recall that I was sitting next to the bed crying, wondering what the heck is wrong with me, and finding this site (and online articles) out of desperation...  It was after I did some reading that I recognized what was going on, and could express the feelings, but I sense that she has always been suspicious that it's that straight forward...

Someone on here mentioned that part of the problem in recognizing our depression is due to the common stereotypes that men should be "tough" and able to endure anything that is thrown at them without showing any fear or emotion.  Just getting past this in your own head is hard to do, explaining to your wife or S/O is even harder, and I don't think they realize the extreme level of desperation that it takes to admit it to anyone other than yourself...   I hid my depression from my wife for a long time, but our relationship and my mental state was getting so bad that I eventually broke down and told her.  She truly had no idea what was going on.  I never told her, but I came dangerously close to suicide on a few occasions.   I'm not sure if you've been in that bad of a situation, but Never let yourself get there, hopefully the thought alone never crosses your mind.

You mention all of your good traits, and it is great to remind yourself of those on a daily basis (if-anything, so that you keep focused on all of the good things you are doing right and try to keep a positive frame of mind about yourself).

In the tough situations, try and visualize the future where you are past this rough point in life, and things are "normal", and a divorce was not the road taken.   You would be able to look back with some sense of pride and satisfaction knowing that you were able to keep focused on the future, and objectively work through obstacles...

I'm sure you have already, but maybe remind your wife that you got married for a reason, and you have a positive outlook for your future together, but you need her help to get there...

I've been reading this forum on/off for a couple of months, but this is my first post.  I hope I have been helpful in some way.  I apologize for my long-winded sentences, and I hope I didn't reference my own situation too much...   It's hard-enough to put emotions into words, and this subject is even harder do that with... 

As for your last comment: From what I read, this seems to be a forum of people with open arms, and is THE place to come and vent. 

[chevdoc]

I find it insane that I need to receive support from complete strangers- but thank you for your response, it makes me feel a shred better that SOMEONE is on my side.

[NewDadInNJ]

Definitely not insane...   I heard somewhere that people are more likely to tell a complete stranger their true/deep emotions, as there is less anxiety about being judged.   That, and the idea that a stranger is more likely to give an unbiased opinion...

Oh, and sorry for such a long post.  Let me know if you'd like me to trim that down!

How are things going lately?  Any change (for better or worse)?   I hope you are doing better.