Severe Anxiety over Pregnancy

[desperatedad]

Hoping to get some feedback and words of encouragement from the community here.

It's been nearly 4 weeks since my girlfriend (28) and I (32) found out we are having a baby. We've been together 4 years and she has been pretty keen to get married and get started on a family for a while now, but I, with all my fears, have resisted, up until just recently when I talked to my jeweller friend about getting a ring made.

My girlfriend has polycystic ovaries and we thought it could take years to get pregnant, if not having to go through IVF, so in December I agreed that she could go off the pill and if it happened it happened.

Well 6 weeks later we conceived, and we found out at 6 weeks.

Our initial reaction to the news was total surprise. We had 3 tests to confirm, and we couldn't believe it had happened so quickly. I was really excited on that first day, but shortly after my thoughts turned to dread as the reality sunk in and I realised a child was on its way, and there was nothing I could do to turn back the clock.

I got better over the next two weeks, but then suddenly last week I had a turn, which I have not recovered from. I've been suffering severe anxiety, bordering on depression. Having suffered both in the past I organised to see a counsellor and I also went back on anti-depressants for my anxiety, which I haven't been on for about 6 years. To me the baby represents a loss of freedom, a feeling of now being trapped, and a loss of my options.

I love my girlfriend but this baby has meant that I've had to face my fears about making a lifelong commitment to her, and being that I have traditional views on marriage and children I feel it's the right thing to do to get engaged. My parents are also putting pressure on me to get engaged and legitimise the relationship.

I want children and with all my friends now on to their second I always felt like I was getting left behind. I especially enjoyed playing with their kids, and always wished I had my own... so my feelings are kind of conflicting at the moment.

Well I have been having a lot of thoughts that I am ashamed of, like hoping that she miscarries, or that she will decide she doesn't want to keep the baby. I could never ask her to end the pregnancy... and in reality, if she said she wanted to, I think I might try and talk her out of it.

Anyway, I'm just wanting to know if other guys have experienced this fear of the unknown, how long it lasted, and how you dealt with it.

I know my girlfriend is pregnant, but I don't see any evidence of it so it doesn't seem real. Will this change when I see the baby's heartbeat or on the ultrsound?

I feel like I'm in a desperate situation and I don't know how to climb out of it. I've talked lots with my girlfriend and she is very supportive and understanding, but I don't want to overburden her with all of this because I should be the one that is supporting her.

Please help!

[rssooner]

desperatedad,

First, welcome to the site.  You will soon be like me.  I was once a poster on this board and now I am a replier on this board.  The reason for this change you may ask yourself....because I felt almost EXACTLY like you do now but it changed for me with help and support from the people that mean the most to me.

Second, congratulations!!! 

You are not alone by any stretch.  Although you may never get a percentage, i would say more than not future fathers have huge amounts of anxiety and fear on having a child.  I will not lie...it's a game changer in your life.  Your fear of losing freedom, choices and control is totally legit.  I felt the same way.  To be honest, you do lose those things for a short period.  I promise you though..the trade off is unmeasureable!!  Communicate with your girlfriend and never stop doing so.  Share with her how excited you are about being a husband and father but also explain to her your fears and anxieties.  I wouldn't be surprised if she felt the same way.  Be a team through this all.  it will make you two stronger.

[jytreberg]

desperatedad,

rssooner beat me too it but makes some great points.  Let me also congratulate you and successfully getting pregnant (not always the easiest thing despite how it looks on 19 Kids and Counting and 16 and Pregnant).  One of the most important things that sooner mentioned is the communication.  You don't always have to be the one supporting your girlfriend and really she should be able to support you in turn.  Most people hate change and having a baby is going to be an enormous change in your life.  But it can be made easier with support from someone you love and who you will be going through the adventure together with.

And yes, it is an adventure!  But a great one.  You say you love kids and most of your friends have children so it sounds like you will be an excellent father.  There are times when I wish that I had more "me" time and could just step away from my fatherly duties, but when I walk into my son's room in the morning to get him out of bed and he looks up at me and gets a huge smile on his face, all that goes away and I just want to be with him all the time.

As far as your concerns about tying the knot right now, my honest advice would be to wait a bit.  More and more people are living in non-traditional relationships where they have children but are not married.  If you truly love your girlfriend, don't feel the pressure to get married and maybe focus right now on being happy with the baby.  You can always get married a little later on after the baby is born.

[desperatedad]

Thanks guys. Appreciate you took the time to reply.

[HoldOn]

desperatedad, you received some good positive reply's here, which i think shows you that this can ultimately be a great joyous experience

I think you are in an advantageous position based on a number of things i noticed you wrote in your post, you are obviously a smart guy, have a good idea of the 'right' answers and i see you are here for all the right reasons, feedback and words of encouragement ...

You recognize early what can happen due to this major event in life and the fact that you have dealt with anxiety, and depression in the past means that you have some experience in knowing what to expect (at least from that aspect if it hits) - one of the hardest things for me was not knowing what I was going through - and i think it was through this forum that i realized a major contributer was anxiety,-  being able to define the problem was a huge help for me.

You have also discovered this forum early, which in my opinion is invaluable as you can talk with us all the way through and not try and have to catch up and feel better afterwards.

I felt exactly the same as you in terms of not having any real emotions or connections during the pregnancy and it all seemed surreal, in fact a lot of what I've read here shows that every dad finds that connection at different times, not only that but i have 2 kids and i felt it at different ages for each - so I wouldn't worry about that for now, let it come naturally.

I can't tell you whether it's better to get married or not but what I can say for sure is that during this time and more importantly after the birth, at least for me it is very important to simplify things. Try and eliminate any extra stress from your life and even if it means letting other people down, what's most important now is you, your girlfriend and your baby, trust me - people will get over it.

[desperatedad]

Hey guys. Just to let you know, on Friday I proposed to my girlfriend, and she said yes!

We just had a week away together and it took me the whole week to summon the courage to get down on one knee.

I had some hard days and some good days while away. Still waking with the anxiety, but now we are engaged I am feeling better about our situation.

She is really happy and I now feel like I have done the right thing, by her, by our unborn child, and by our families.

I know there will still be some rocky times ahead for me, but I am feeling much more positive about the changes.

[HoldOn]

Congratulations!

I think it's great that you made a decision and went with it, and seems to have a really positive outcome.
 

[jytreberg]

That's great news!  Congratulations on your engagement.  You say that your fiance (you can call her that now, not just your girlfriend) is happy but make sure that you are happy with everything as well.  Marriage and raising a child is not a 1 person job.  You're a team now and you have to work at it together.

[desperatedad]

Well no sooner had the initial excitement passed now I'm kinda back to square one.

Feeling desperately unhappy and anxious.

I feel like getting pregnant was the biggest mistake of my life and I just don't know what to do about it.

I'm still hoping for some kind of miscarriage... and there's only one week left in the first trimester so the window is closing on ending the pregnancy, even though I know that's not really an option now.

I got engaged because it felt like the right thing to do given the circumstances, but I don't know it's what I really want. Everyone is so happy for us, so why aren't I?

I don't want to be a single father, and I don't want my child to grow up without two parents. I also don't want to only see my kid every two weeks.

[rssooner]

Desperatedad,

I will tell you what my therapist told me when i was going through all of this stuff.  There is no quick fixes, there is no substituting your feelings with anything (alcohol, drugs, etc).  You have to deal with it head on.  How you do it is when you are feeling anxious, scared, angry, you want your fiancee to miscarry, etc. you have to take a step back and ask yourself why are you feeling this way.  Then you have to ask yourself what hard evidence do you have that supports the way you are feeling.  You will find that you really do not have any hard, written in stone evidence that supports the extreme way we see our situations.  What it comes down to is our ability to control our negative feelings and stop them from affecting our believes.  That is the key.  For some reason a lot of us have decided that having a child is a HUGE negative thing and it will change us forever in such awful ways when in fact it is the most incredible thing you will ever do and the most rewarding thing you will ever do.  Right now, you can not see that.  All you can see is how it will affect you negatively. 

The next time you feel anxious, etc stop and ask yourself why am I feeling this way and what provoked it and what supporting evidence (not your opinion but hard core evidence) do you have that actually supports your feelings.  Write them down if you have to so you can come back another time and look them over when you have calmed down.

I hope this helps...it certainly helped me.

good luck

rssooner

[desperatedad]

Thanks rssooner

Yesterday I went to see my counsellor and she helped me realise that my fears, doubts and anxieties are not about my fiance or the baby, but about my lack of control.

As you say, it's important to focus on the positives, and not the unknowns.

Last night my partner was having some major stomach pains and she was worried there was something wrong with the baby. It was an opportunity for me to really feel what it would be like if that happened, and it wasn't nice. I took her to the accident+emergency clinic but everything was ok.

[HoldOn]

I wanted to thank you for posting what the therapists or councilors said, as someone who doesn't have access to a professional it really meant a lot. And I can relate to both what you said rssooner about having to take a step back and look at the evidence and what you said Deperatedad about the fear of the unknown or the lack of control.

Sometimes we have to just really have faith that whatever is happening and whatever we are going through are for a reason and that at the end we will come out better and happier than ever - which I truly believe because the simple good times with my wife and kids are really the happiest I've been. And I guess the rough times make us appreciate that even more.

[desperatedad]

Have had a really good week and been feeling very positive about everything.

Yesterday I was looking through some photos of a party just before we found out we were having a baby and something in my head triggered my doubts and fears again. We were pregnant at the time but we didn't know it. I told my fiance this morning that my anxiety has come back a little. She was supportive.

I wonder if the feeling I got was because I could see a time when I was still care-free. I wished that I hadn't looked at the photos... but then maybe it woulda just triggered from something else.

Anyway, today we go for our first scan. I've been preparing myself for how I'm going to feel when I finally see evidence of a real baby. I think this is just a heartbeat scan, not a visual. Will I be overwhelmed with joy or anxiety???

Will let you know tomorrow! Wish me luck.

[desperatedad]

Had scan. All looked ok. Could see baby quite clearly. Head, arms, legs, fingers.

Neither of us got emotional about it, but it did confirm for us that yes there really is a baby in there.
Hard to believe really. Still in shock that this has happened!

Everything happens for a reason I guess. Still waiting to find out what that reason is 

[jytreberg]

I know my feelings for the baby didn't really start until I had been able to see it on the screen during an ultrasound.  It's really hard when you can't see, hear, or even feel the baby to really understand that it's there.  Hopefully being able to see it and eventually feel kicks through your fiance's stomach will make it feel much more real for you and will help you find some reason in everything.