Trouble Balancing Work and Family

[jytreberg]

I am the very proud father of a 6 month old baby boy.  I love spending as much time with him as I possibly can, but I have a hard time being away while I am at work and find myself disinterested in my work.  I'm looking for any help regarding ways to manage this and make it easier to deal with being away from my boy.

[rssooner]

jytreberg,

Congrats on your boy.  They are so much fun.  My boy is almost 20 months and trust me....they only get more fun as they grow older. 

You are lucky.  Some of us fathers (including me) at one point usually during the earlier days/months of our child's life are wanting to do the exact opposite of what your challenge is.  Good for you about wanting to be with him so much.

I guess my only input I can give you is the fact that if you are like most of us, you need your job/career to survive and help provide for your family.  Doing so sets a good example for your family and especially your son.  To become disinterested puts your ability to do that at risk.  There is so many things in the future to prepare for your son (car, college, etc) and that is what motivates me to keep pushing forward to succeed in my career. 

Hope that helps and gives you something to think about

Good Luck

rssooner

[jytreberg]

rssooner,

Thank you so much for your reply.  I have taken what you said and used it to try and reorient my thinking about the time that I have away from my son and it has certainly helped.  I have also had to learn some things about time management at work and not bringing my work home with me so that it in turn interferes with the time that I do get to spend with my wife and my son.

Thank you again.

[rssooner]

I am glad that you are doing better.  I had the same challenges as you.

Keep in touch.

rssooner

[HoldOn]

jytreberg,

I find myself having the same problems you mentioned when away from home, the thing is I am still on notice working while i have to look for a new job.
The market seems to be picking up so I feel I will find something but right now I just want to be at home because the stress builds up while at work.

This constant stress and anxiety is making it hard to get motivated to find a new job and actually what usually gets me going is another thing mentioned in this thread by rssooner that we need a job to provide for the family.

Any tips on how to deal with the anxiety and stress - worrying about the future is new to me - I only started thinking about what will be after my second was born, something hit and my carefree attitude was replaced by a knot in my stomach.

Posting here helps and as you said time management helps separate those feelings from coming home - well some of the time. 

Any other tips? from anyone?

[jytreberg]

You're right about the need to have a job to provide for the family being a help.  One of the things I have tried to hold to in my life, and it's something that a very close friend of mine told me soon after I first met him, control what you can control.  Obviously, you have no direct control over the job market and you never will.  None of us will and I know that can feel overwhelming.  What you can control is how active you are in looking for a job.  If you are working now and also looking for a job, that's just more work for you.  But look at the long term picture.  Once you find a new job, you have one less task and you can focus on settling into that new job and the time that you had been using to look for the new job, you can not spend that extra time with your family.

[HoldOn]

I hear what you are saying about looking to the long term about the time I can spend with my family, in fact i decided to turn down a job because it would be very demanding and has a long commute meaning practically not seeing my kids during the weekdays. I hope it's the right decision but i think it's important we have that time together now.

jytreberg, how are you handling being away from your son while at work, is it getting easier?

[jytreberg]

It is getting easier.  I just make a point to spend as much time as I can with him when I am at home.  I've always been a bit of a computer junkie and one of the complaints that my wife has given pretty much since we've been dating, engaged, and married is that I spend too much time on the computer when I'm at home and not enough with her.  That has changed since we had the baby and now it includes that I don't spend enough time with her and the baby.  I've had to come to the realization that it's not just about me anymore and actually force myself (that's probably not the right word because it sounds like I'm spending time with my family at gunpoint or something) to spend time with them.  Not so much forcing as just conciously thinking about it.

But more back to your question HoldOn, I do as much as I can at home, changing diapers and feeding and helping with baths and stuff so that when I am at home I'm getting as much baby time as possible.

[HoldOn]

Getting as much baby time when home is actually a required activity with me since we have two kids, so from the time i'm home me and my wife each have one whether its bath, feeding, changing  etc and then my wife takes 20 minutes for herself and I'm with them. These are the good times, maybe even because i'm too distracted and busy to feel or think about anything.

But the next day from the drive to work it comes, the anxiousness, the negative thoughts.

I just realized that a good technique to change negative thought to positive is to think about some of the good things that we will experience with them as they grow up.

One of the best times of the day is when my oldest calls me at work - actually anyone feeling down with really young babies, has that to look forward to, in the future one day your child will call you at work and tell you a great story or tell you what they made for you in kindergarten.

[rssooner]

HoldOn,

Great points that you made.  I can't wait for those days when my son does what your child does.  My son is almost 2 and it is such an incredible feeling to watch him grow.  It almost changes daily.

I do the same thing you do.  When I have had a stressful day and don't really want to go home and be thrown into the fire, I think about how my son runs up to me when I walk into the door and says "Daddy...I blue" which in 22 month old translation is "I love you"

It's the best feeling!!

rssooner

[Stymie]

I totally agree with rssooner.  I have the same problem sometimes.  Also, though not the same problem exactly, I sometimes find myself (as a consultantworking at home) spending time being Dad (good stuff and bad stuff) when I should be at work.  This only makes me stress more about work i.e. that I'm not getting it done enough.  I found a balance eventually, largely based on the reasoning rssooner first mentions....that its not always easy being "responsible" or (for me at least) sticking to a schedule (better time management), but the fact that my salary is the bread and butter for my family's future helps to keep things in check.  Plus I think we all need a Third Way, away from work and the house, doing something healthy/fun whether that is golf, yoga, watching the game with friends, catching a show or having a drink with others. 

It sounds like you are trying hard to solve the problem, and have recognized the issue, so that is the main thing.   I'm sure you will find a solution that works and of course if you veer off-track, thats OK too, dont beat the hell out of yourself.....recognize any negative thinking for what it is, but dont dwell on it.

Cheers
Stymie

[jytreberg]

I know I started this topic quite some time ago and by the looks of it, lots of folks have checked it out and hopefully found some helpful things in the discussion.  I'd like to add the link below to an article that I found in a local parenting magazine and that is actually available online.  This is just one more thing that proves to me that we are not alone in our struggles and that there are people out there realizing that men can hurt just like a woman does when they have a baby.  Hope this helps some more folks.

http://thefatherlife.com/mag/2010/05/13/work-life-balance-the-growing-case-for-men/