FEELING RESENTFUL AND UNATTACHED AFTER NE BABY

[mort]

My wife and I have a 2.5 week old son.  He was 6 weeks premature, and my wife had an emergency c-section.  My wife really wants to breast feed, but her milk is not coming in very well yet, and obviously my son needs to learn to breast feed, as he was premature.  (Physically, he is doing great)  Due to my wife's desire to breast feed, we are not using a bottle, and instead have to finger feed him with either a tube or syringe.  I absolutly detest doing this.  At first it was a novelty, and I couldn't wait to get back to the hospital to do the routine all over again.  After he came home, reality set in, and I realized that this was now my way of life.  1.5-2 hours to change, feed, burp, maybe change again, dress him, and put him down for a nap, only to have to do it all over again in such a short time.  I have started resenting feeding my son, and have realized that I am not enjoying this time with him at all.  I get very frustrated.  I find that I am constantly thinking about the next feeding, even though my wife has decided to take on most of the feeding responsibilities, (a nurse at the breast feeding clinic reminded her that we are mamals and bulls don't feed calves) except for the odd one during the day, and one in the middle of the night so she can sleep.  I find all I can think about is the feeding and how much I dread it.  Even when I leave the house to visit friends or run errands, I have this feeling of dread, that when I return, everything needs to be done again.  I find that I don't even like doing some other things in my life anymore, because this is all I can focus on.  I want to support my wife with the breast feeding, and I understand that with him being premature and her having a c-section, that this process may take a little while, but how do I stop this feeling?  My wife is frustrated with me, I am frustrated with this, and I am afraid that I will start to be frustrated with my son, and can already tell that I am having feelings of just wanting to put him down when the feeding is done.  I want to feel connected to my son, and I want to enjoy my time with him, but right now I am not?  What can I do?  Any suggestions?

[mort]

One more thing.  I have told my Wife about these feelings, because they are the truth.  I am upfront and honest with her about everything.  She says that I should not be saying these things.  She thinks they are mean and cruel.  I can't help how I feel, and now I am unable to discuss it with her.

[rssooner]

i totally understand how you feel.  i have a 1 month old son and i have have feelings of regret, frustration and some resentment too.  Like you will read in all of these posts, this is somewhat normal to have these feelings.  I became an emotional wreck when the baby came home and I am now just starting to get out of the funk. I felt that I was going through a grieving of my past life knowing now that my life was never going to be as calm, easy and controllable as it once was.  I am seeing a therapist for my feelings and thoughts and I now realize that I was trying to fix and control everything that was wrong.  If my son cried then it meant something was wrong and I freaked out and tried to solve it.  Obviously I was lucky if I did.  I had to let go of the fact that at this point in my son's life, I have to trust my wife that she is taking care of the child and I have to let go and let her thrive in this situation.  We as men are not capable of providing the nurturing or the instincts like a woman can.  It is in their chemical makeup and not our's.  As men, bonding with your child will not come at the same time as your wife.  Most men, including myself don't really like the newborn/infant stage so don't be too hard on yourself.  I was beating myself up with guilt and I have to let that go as well.  It is very counterproductive.

I hope this helps you some.  One more thing that I can tell you that EVERYONE has told me.  This period of time you are going through is temporary.  It will pass and your and my son will grow and become less and less dependent on us.  You must take just one day (sometimes one minute) at a time.  I felt like this would never end and I must tell myself that it is only temporary so I can reverse my negative thoughts.


Good luck
RS

[Dr.Courtenay]

Hello, Mort. Congratulations on the birth of your son. I’m glad to hear that he’s a healthy, early baby.

As so many dads talk about (which no one ever tells us going into parenthood), taking care of a needy little infant, isn’t that much fun or satisfying. As I’ve said in other posts, it’s not always easy to “enjoy” an infant (in fact, it may be more the exception than the rule). They’re demanding creatures and rarely obviously appreciative. That’s truism is even more true when the baby is premature.

As you’ve already learned, preemies are tough. In fact, preemies and other babies with special needs are one of the “risk factors” for paternal postnatal depression (one of the things that can lead to depression in new dads).  If you haven’t already, Mort, I’d suggest that you also check out some web sites for parents of preemies – such as www.preemies.org, www.prematurity.org, and www.preemie.info.

I’ve also mentioned in previous posts that bonding between fathers and their babies tends to develop more slowly than the bonding between mothers and babies (which typically develops very quickly). For new fathers it can take up to two months or so. BUT WITH PREEMIES, BONDING CAN TAKE MUCH LONGER – both for the mother and the father.

Now, I have to be clear about one thing: that nurse who talked to your wife is full of “bull” – and spreading misinformation. Plenty of new (human) fathers feed their babies. In fact, it’s one of the best ways – recommended by most educated health professionals – for new parents to tag team feedings so that the new mom can get a chunk of sleep (particularly when dad does one of the nighttime feedings). This can make things better for everyone. Remember, if a man’s partner ends up depressed, that doubles the chance that he’ll become depressed too.

That said, the fact is many dads CAN’T help with feedings – or with diaper changing or putting the baby to sleep – for one reason or another. (The same is true for some mothers.) And that’s just the reality.

If you’re not able to that right now, it’s great that you know it. It’s far better for you and your baby to stay away from these duties right now if you can. And there’s no reason to beat yourself up about it – that’s not going to help anyone, least of all yourself. Chances are, there’s going to be a time in the not-to-distant future when you can help out with some of these things. As RS, says, what you’re experiencing now is temporary.

RS, made some other great points too, including not trying to control things. And taking things one baby step at a time.

Best wishes to you and your family!

Will Courtenay

[mort]

Thanks for your input Dr. Courtney.  I am back to work now, so I am not able to help out as much as I was.  My wife is getting pretty good at taking care of things.  When I can, I am still helping out with the odd feeding, especially one in the middle of the night so that she can sleep.  I still do diapers, and spend time with him too.  I believe it when people say it takes longer for the father to bond with a baby than the mother.  I am definately looking forward to that day, although I do love my son, and enjoy spending time with him, I find that it is not that exciting yet.  Reading other posts on here, I trust that these feelings will pass.