Maybe This is Serious...

[CMDad]

New father here with an issue, but I'm not really sure of what the problem is.  I often find myself not requiring time with my 2.5 week baby, and would rather be off running an errand or at work than changing a diaper or feeding her.  My wife is bothered by this, and after reading some of the posts here, I think I initially thought I had a form of ppd. After doing some more soul searching, I wonder if the problem lies deeper than that, and if it's not the baby that's the cause of my feelings, but a catalyst that's exposing a deeper issue.

Initially, I thought that the anxiety of actually having a baby was getting to me and I was feeling off because so many people were around at the time. My wife and I live in a different state than any of our family, so they stay with us when they come visit.  They've been a lot of help, but I can't do things I normally do with them around.  And having some tension with a few of my in-laws doesn't help.  However, I ignored it just thinking it was misplaced.  Well about a week ago, my wife was really upset when her mom left, and her mom was really upset that she left.  This threw me into the middle of a situation where I'm trying to solve a problem that's not really mine, when I have other issues on my mind.  In fact that same day, I was really drained from basically running around and picking people up, and taking the baby to the doctor, and trying to figure out how to purchase a chair for my wife with no means to get it back to the house easily.  From about 9 am to 11pm, I was in the car doing something, and didn't have much me time. From that day on, I've just been feeling off a bit.  I went back to work and didn't really worry about what was happening at home or how anyone was doing too much, and when people asked, I got slightly irritated because I didn't necessarily want to always talk about the baby.  I didn't mind, but fielding the same questions 30 times in a day can get annoying when the response is the same. Don't get me wrong, the first 5 or 10 times were exciting, but the later ones were dull.

After about a week, I came here and surfed the forums looking for answers and a few things hit me.  Someone posted about their husband feeling like their relationship wasn't meant to be, another guy wondered if his feelings were because of underlying issues with his wife, and I believe I've read a few other posts like that.  After thinking about it some, I've had the same types of issues with my wife.  She's a good woman, but I feel like her and I should never have gotten back together.  Truthfully, I believe I married so I wouldn't feel lonely, and not so much because I was in love.  I'm looking back, and I think maybe I settled on temporary happiness and not really a long term partner.  She's had some problems with her family and school that I feel I've had to rescue her on, or come to her aid when I feel like I shouldn't need to.  I believe this has, over time, caused me to look down on her and feel more like I'm allowing her to come into her own rather than enjoying life with my equal.  Do I think I settled? I feel like I did a bit, but she would say that she settled on me because of how I was in college (didn't drive or have much of a social life).  However, as adults, I feel like maybe I should have waited and moved on my own and experienced life without her before deciding if I needed her in my life as my wife. 

I feel bad about it, but truth be told, I love her and our baby, I'm just not in love with her.  I think this causes me to see my baby as something keeping me in a situation that's already causing me to be unhappy and some stress. I guess at this point, I'm looking for advice.  I'm trying, but I'm not really putting any effort into either relationship.  When I hold my baby, I feel happy and want to so more, but then it's like I look at the kid as though it's blocking my escape.  I think it boils down to me just wanting to be happy, and I don't know if I can find that in this situation.  I want to be a great father, but I don't think I can be a good husband to my wife anymore. 

[BC Daddy]

Sorry to hear you are in such a tough situation.  I think all men at one time or another feel that way after the birth of their child.  It's hard not to, what with your wife being tired and very hormonal and struggling to fit into a completely new role, she is just not the same lady who stole your heart way back when.  Add to this the many great smiles and well wishes you might get from co-workers, who may be younger and attractive, and well, you get the idea.

I think what you're experiencing is very common. 

How do you deal with it?  Well, try the small things first.  When you walk through the door of your house, go right to your wife, ignore the dog, the crying kid, and the pile of mail, and kiss/hug your wife first. 

Doesn't work every time, but you are relaying the message that you love your wife above everything else.  That way, when you are out running errands and basically doing the work of two people, your wife will realize that you are doing it for her.  That should mean something.