Night terrors and control issues

[Da Nook]

First off I want to say how wonderful it is to find a forum for discussing depression related to becoming a new father.

My wife and I had our firstborn (a boy) back in November.  He is four months old now and doing very well.  The postpartum issue first started happening for my wife who took about two and half months to begin to feel attached to him.  This I was expecting and was willing to step up to the task and provide support for both my wife and my son for those first few months.  There came a point when I began to become frustrated with her and myself for not communicating like we used to, and I especially began to feel incredibly guilty for not being able to make my wife feel better.  The baby stuff was indeed stressful, but I was more stressed at myself for not being able to fix the situation.

Soon after our baby was born he would have sudden nightmares and wake up screaming.  My wife and I assumed this had something to do with his birth experience.  We had started with a natural home birth that eventually ended up as a voluntary cesarian at a hospital.  He had gotten stuck in the birth canal and had to pushed back into my wife in order to be extracted.  Shortly after he began having these sudden nightmares, I began to have frequent night-terrors about my son’s well-being.  These short dreams would involve him being in some kind of danger or pain and would put me into a kind of “fight-or-flight” mode.  My wife was always very supportive, but I would always wake her up in frantic states with my heart pounding out of control.  Fortunately he has not had anymore nightmares since about January.  I wish I could say the same for myself; they’ve happened almost every night for the past two weeks after a temporary hiatus.

I have carried an amount of guilt since my son was born in wondering if there was something I could have done to make his birth more what my wife and I had planned for.  My rational side of course feels that there was nothing “wrong” with what happened; it just happened and the fact they are both alive and well is all that matters.  But that’s not all that matters.  My wife and this little guy are the most important things in my life and I still wish that I had some kind of power to take back the pain and grief that was experienced.

After talking with my father about these nightmares he pointed out to me that all of this likely relates to the fact that I wanted to control the situation for my wife and son’s safety.  Since then I’ve been at times irritable and wanting things to be done certain ways at certain times.  Once he made this statement, I’ve begun to realize just how much I do try to control situations that are out of my hands.  And I’ve also realized that since my son’s birth in November I haven’t really taken the time to process what had happened and how my emotions react to it.

[CMDad]

I believe it wasn't the deviation from the plan that got to you, but the aftermath that caused you some grief.  I would have to agree with your father in saying that you can't always be in control, and you have to deal with certain things.  It seems like you wanted to accept that, but that voice in the back of your head was wondering if you could have done more.  To be honest, it seems like you did everything you could and I don't think anything more would have helped the situation.  You got your wife and kid thru it, and really your only issue was wondering if you could have prevented it in the first place.  Maybe you do just need some time to yourself to let your emotions out and get over what happened.  Maybe even let your wife in on it, and let her know what you're going thru so she knows and doesn't feel like it's her. 

You honestly did a great job in that situation, and I think you should remind yourself of that everyday.

[Da Nook]

Thanks,

The nightmares have gotten a lot better in past few months.  They still occur every now and then, usually only when I have a really crappy attitude about something.  But my wife has been really wonderful, and her mom who is a nurse has been really supportive as well.  I think it's all getting better, and now that our son is 8 months old the hard times are getting fewer and fewer between.