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I'm not sure what to do.  I'm under a lot of stress right now and it is effecting my life especially my relationship with my wife.  My wife is in the military and we have been living on the east coast since fall 08.  I have been working as a personal trainer but I was no longer happy in that field and did not like erratic hours.  With my wife's support I quit my job at the end of last year and started searching for a new career.  I have been struggling finding a career I want to pursue even after meeting with career counselors and doing interest inventories.  Then we found out she was going to be going on an unaccompanied tour for a year.  I decided to move home but since the move was in a couple of months I just found a job in personal training to last until I moved.  Just before she was going to be sent on the assignment we discovered she was pregnant.  She was no longer eligible to go to her original assignment and instead was assigned to a station in the south. 

That happened five weeks ago.  Ever since we found out she was pregnant my stress/anxiety level has been through the roof.  I have barely slept the last month often getting only 2 or 3 hours of sleep a night.  I've unintentionally lost 10 to 12 pounds.  My stomach is in knots and my chest feels like it is in a vice.  I feel completely overwhelmed.  I'm embarrassed to admit this but I've broken down into tears more times in the last month than in the previous quarter century.

I have a lot of fears that from what I read seem to be pretty common (How will my relationship with my wife change?  How can we afford this financially?  What if I'm not a good dad? etc, etc).  I'm also saddened about some of our dreams that will have to die as a result.  I feel a huge amount of guilt for not having a job.  We're reasonably comfortable financially but I feel guilty and worthless having not worked recently and unsure of what I want to do.  Right now I'm just applying for everything I can find.  I don't really care if it pays halfway decent. 

I've made an appointment with a counselor but the earliest one I could find was at the end of September.  This stress is already creating a strain on our relationship and my wife is only at week 8.  Is there anything I can do that can help me with this transition.  Thanks.

if u suffer a post-partum depression which u even don't understand & nobody feels it, will it lead to depression even if ur child is 13 months old? evn ur in-laws don't care or feel about u & neither ur husband understands the matter. i'm in such a state that i even hate my in-laws & can't bear them as they didn't let my child to be with me except feeding & bathing. i still hate them for it but there's no way out i've to live with them . pl suggest

Dr. Courtnay suggested I post on your forum...

I'm writing an article for Parents Magazine about Postpartum Depression in Dads....as you all know, most people are aware that mothers get PPD but they have no idea that fathers are also affected. I'd like to speak with fathers who have struggled with this -- either on your own, with the help of a therapist -- and are willing to share their story. We want to lift the veil on this issue -- and offer solid info to families about how they can cope.

Real names will be used. If you're interested, or know someone who might be, please email me at margery@margeryrosen.com.

Many thanks! Margery

Jbell,

My apologies for not replying sooner.

"They" say the highest chances of anxiety is between birth and 6 months for us father's to suffer from anxiety and depression.  Mine was the first few weeks and it was much better after 3 months.  Is there anything else that is going on in your life that could of contributed to the acute episode of anxiety?  How are you doing currently?

rssooner

rmohr05,

First before anything, congratulations on your wonder son.  My son is 26 months old and I will tell you that it has been a blur.  Everyone tells you that it goes fast and they are right.  Enjoy every minute you can. 

You name the feeling, I probably have felt it.  LOL.  Like almost EVERY father that has posted on here and/or has read the posts, we all have had a HUGE life changing event.  You are full of anxiety, stress, feeling of being overwhelmed, tired, much less patient...should i go on?  =)  All of these feelings and emotions will mess with your mind.  The advise I give most fathers and even myself many times is take a deep breath.  You are in the thick of it with a newborn and all of your emotions can "alter" your normal train of thought.  I felt the same way you did.  I felt like I just wanted to run and not deal with my wife nor my son.  Right now you two are just trying to survive the newborn phase.  If i could tell you just one thing to do that would be to open up and communicate with your wife while being as supportive to her as you can.  You both have to be a team with this huge life change.

I hope this helps.

rssooner

I will start of by telling you that I am new to this type of thing. My wife and I had our first child 3 weeks ago and things have been going OK. i love my son and I can spend time with him as long as I have someone there to back me up. I started getting severe anxiety about at week 36 of the pregnancy. I had fears of becoming a father, being able to support a family and everything in between.  My Wife and I have been married for 2.5 years and dated/engaged for 4 years before then. The pregnancy was not planned even though we had talked about starting a family some day. Since the birth my anxiety decrease to manageable levels, but I have began to wake up in the morning with the fear that I might have married the wrong women. I think that this thought process was just the fear of being committed to someone forever.  We lived our lives before birth as two individuals and now we are a family. My wife has been great with the baby and helping me with my anxiety.

I feel bad that I have these thoughts about my wife. I don’t know if it is because of lack of intimacy, being tired and a little depressed.

Have any of you guys gone though this?

((I had said that to him bc his reason for leaving was us not getting along.  Which we weren't.  but only for the last 3 months... that's not long enough in my book to give up especially with our baby.  She deserves more than 3 months and throwin in the towel.  I know the best thing I can be with him now is patient))

Thanks for the advice!!  I hadn't checked back since last weekend.  He came by on Saturday and I talked to him about a bunch of stuff very calmly.  He, on the other hand, was still being super defensive... then something went off in him and it was gone and he was back to being a caring person (no, he doesn't usually have mood swings).  Last week I got desperate and looked online for other methods to treat depression and stress helpers.  I found that a multivitamin would help - especially since he had quit eating right - and I bought an oil to burn that is supposed to be relaxing - Clary sage oil.  I think the vitamins are helping.  It just clicked to me tonight that it had been a few days since he started taking them and we had a really good night tonight.  So he has been back since saturday and I am taking it one step at a time.  I told him he can go out more if that is what he needs, as long as he doesn't drink and drive or take advantage of it.  I am hoping a little more freedom, getting him to eat better and take these vitamins, and myself trying not to stress so much about things so that he doesn't stress about them, will help.  Things aren't magnificent by any means yet, but they are getting better.  I know if I bring up counseling any time soon it will not go over well however I bring it up.  (I brought it up the best way I know how before, being supportive, non-accusatory, no blame on anyone) Maybe after we see how these things work out and I still feel very strongly about it I will ask one of our close friends or a family member to bring it up.  Oh, and on a final note, one of the things I said to him last saturday was that "We just went through one of the biggest changes most people will experience in their lifetime.  That amount of change is hard for any couple.  It may even be harder for us since she wasn't planned.  We are just having trouble adjusting to our new life.  It is no one's fault.  Instead of bringing in all of these pre-conceived notions as to how things are supposed to be, lets just try and find what works for us."   Hopefully, things keep going well....  thanks again

cantgiveup,

Congratulations on your daughter!!

I am so sorry to hear that you and boyfriend are having such a hard time. 

Your significant other definitely appears to have some extreme anxiety and probably depression.  Just the thought of what has changed in his life probably makes him so anxious he vomits.

With that being said ozdad makes some great points.  How you approach him now and into the future is a huge thing.  In general, the most important thing a man wants is to be needed.  He also doesn't want to be approached in a way that makes him feel less of a man.  A suggestion would be to approach him in a way where it is essential for him to get on a healthier path b/c you and your daughter need him and want him to be the best father he can be.  He needs to know that he is needed.  A lot of times that "kick starts" us in the right direction.  Keep supporting him as much as you can.

I felt a huge since of anxiety and sadness about the changes that were occuring before my eyes and the fact that I had complete control of my life one minute then a new little baby had taken that control away the next was very hard to deal with for me.  Nevertheless, i knew in my heart that i needed to get better so i could provide and most importantly enjoy my new family.  Make sure he ultimately wants that.  If he does..than that is more than half the battle won.

Good luck

rssooer

hello there and congrats on your baby!

ppd for men especially is a hard thing to admit. its something that comes out of left field. your partner no doubt suffers from this condition I(based on your description of recent events). like him, many of us here have felt what he does and have had a horrible time with it all. it is painful, embaressing, overwhelming and simply gut wrenching to say the least.

the advice i can give you is be subtle in your approach. have patience and try to convince him to see a doctor asap! there are many excellent medications out there to help him with his anxiety and sadness. having a child isnt always what we imagine it to be. i have a 5 month old, and have had a horrible time trying to deal with my feelings of beings overwhelmed and depressed. its very embaressing to admit but it will be the first of many steps your partner needs to take in order to overcome this horrible situation.

often your partner may feel love for your child in parallel to sheer resentment. this can be very confusing and frustrating. you need to be cautious with him in your approach, but somewhat forceful as well in order to get him to see a therapist or physician.

tell him he is not alone NOT BY A LONG SHOT and we are all here to listen and help him and you on your journey. never forget what Winston Churchill once said "when your going through hell - KEEP GOING" in other words dont give up and hang in there, there is light at the end of the tunnel. reassure him of that!



hope this helps!