First of all, congratulations on your baby.   I would second the suggestion of not laying much of this on your wife.  But still, to talk with her.  My kid (now 3) never took to the breast and it was awful, a constant struggle, very stressful.  We moved over to pumping which wasnt great for my wife but it made for far less stress around feeding.  Then after 5 or 6 months we moved fully over to formula.   

I've been in a similar situation as you in terms of feeling like its non-stop and never ends.  But it sounds like you are meeting your responsibilities, as it were.  You're not running away from them, which is good.  In that way you ARE helping but it may not seem so.   

Do you feel you need a proper "break" (see friends, play hockey, whatever you like to do)?  If so then maybe talk to your wife.  Taking an occasional Daddy Break for me made a big difference.  Sure our lives are  transformed - and its for the better - but we should not let everything else go that we use to do before...within reason.  It means being a better adjusted parent, in my view.   Its challenging when you are so busy to find the time, but even just a 2 or 3 hr slot once a week can help.

I also wouldn't beat yourself up over not connecting.  It happens a lot.  We have these expectations or ideals, much of it from what we see and hear from others in our lives and then when we finally have a child, yikes, we are not walking on air and giddy with joy 24/7.  Some find themselves resentful even, of "losing" their old lives, or others may be more into constantly worrying or feeling inadequate.  Many women, and dads too as we know, get depressed.  Then we resent the fact that we feel this way when we imagined or were "suppose" to be over the moon.  But its all perfectly normal.

I assure you, you will connect with her.  You say she is not getting better in 6 weeks.....sorry to tell you this, but it might even get worse LOL.  At this stage, your daughter can not really "show" happiness.  She is basically this (amazing) little blob that relies on her parents to keep her alive, and doesnt really "give" much per se.  But trust me, the connection grows.  And once she starts smiling and her personality starts to show etc. it is fantastic.  Still a huge pain in the ass at times, but fantastic and the sublimest of joys.  You seem to be physically around her and so a bond will develop.  If you've already accepted and resigned yourself to some difficult days and nights, you just have to stay patient on the connection thing and try not to feel bad about it.   

A friend of mine once told me before my daughter was born "it will be the BEST thing....and the WORST thing...that will ever happen to you".  he was right.  Another friend told me that while indeed I must adjust my life around my kid and her needs, I should also be finding ways for her fitting into my life.  This was great advice for me.   

Hopefully in a few months you'll have adjusted OK and also your daughter will be less stressful, maybe even hanging out on your lap as you watch a hockey game on TV (if there is any NHL this year LOL)

Take care   

Hey Torgo:

Congrats on your son.  All I can add is that at such an early age its impossible to ever know "why" they wont stop crying.  I once heard the term "Unidentified Crying Object" and some friends of mine call their baby "the little blob that we keep alive".  LOL.  Of course its a lot of pressure, including for the dad who (if you are like me) wants to somehow just "solve" the problem, stop the baby from crying etc....and it naturally leads to huge stress and anxiety at times.  I can say from direct experience that once they get a bit more independent and engaged with surroundings, say around 2-3 months, and then when they start to really recognize you and play with you and smile and laugh etc. (a few months) it just gets easier and easier.  When it feels really bad then I think its better indeed to step back, take a deep breath or ten, rather than let the frustration build.  You are not a crappy dad....the fact is, even if they've been fed, nursed, changed etc. sometimes they will just cry and sometimes dad's especially can not do as much as they'd like.  You are not useless at all, just a necessarily helpless situation sometimes, if you know what I mean.   The milestones come in what will seem like the blink of the eye in retrospect, and they build upon each other as you watch your son become more independent and engaged with you as his dad (and not just the man trying to stop him crying, nurse him, trying to pull his weight and due his duty as a parent etc.). 

Stymie 

Hi mate, your note also sent shivers down my spine.  I think you already are getting the feeling that so many of us have been through it!  When my daughter was born I suffered terrible worry and rumination around negative "what ifs?".  After a couple months it turned into full blown anxiety and then, soon after, depression.  This forum was a fantastic support base for me then, and in a few weeks I started getting better.  I was perfect for a year and then it came back - not as severe this time and with peaks and valleys - and I'm on Citalopram and starting to see a therapist.  There may well be other stressors this time other than being a dad etc., but the same principles hold.   Its a bit easier now that I KNOW it will pass.  These emotions we get - it is not really "us" but rather something created by thoughts and circumstances and how we react to them.  Not by facts.  I find a sort of refuge in staying in the "moment" and trying not go get entangled in the emotions or caught up in its "story".  Rather just sort of accept the ebbs and flows and know that it wil pass, both in terms of daily low points and over the long-term in getting back to the usual You.  Of course its not always so easy and you need to be kind to yourself too when you feel the worst....we know that perseverence and being kind to yourself will get you through.  You are already clearly wanting to be rid of the anxiety/depression and getting help, that is great.  I think there is a lot of great advice and support here already, so lets just both hang in there and try to live life, and if you like feel free to let me know how you are doing. 

Stymie

Good luck and do keep us posted. 

By the way, that must be one helluva a sharp knife you are using to cut a 15mg pill into eights!   

Mine comes in winter too.  Mindfulness meditation, exercise, better diet (no booze, lots of water, no coffee...herbal teas instead), vitamins (B12, D) and forcing myself to keep a regular routine (or something as close to it) seems to work for me.  And all of them cheap or free.  A couple episodes I used 10 mg cilatropram and it indeed helped too, though I've gotten over it just as quick the non-med way.  I've also been addressing stress reduction during the "normal" times to prevent re-occurance.  I will be more pre-emptive. I found that in the past, when I got over my anxiety/depression, I went right back to the bad habits (including bad habits of worry, rumination etc. that I know leaves me more vulnerable/sinking into another episode, can be reduced using proven methods like above).  I think there is not much you can do to replace the sunlight, I guess bright light therapy has worked for some but I dont know if it would be for me either (and not available where I live anyway..).  I really think now its about trying to prevent it happening and, if it should anyway, to accept it, do your best to address it based on what you've learned what works etc., and know that it will pass. 

Oh and I also have used 1-2 g melatonin successfully for another condition (cluster headaches) but since it regulates the "biological clock" it could be used to address SAD, and I see some are starting to find that it helps (doesnt surprise me that it would).   http://www.nimh.nih.gov/science-news/2006/properly-timed-light-melatonin-lift-winter-depression-by-syncing-rhythms.shtml

I would have used it too for the winter depression, but last time I was on a SSRI (and shouldnt mix them...).  I suggest trying it if you are just using supplements, as it is really a "natural" medicine (natural hormone).  No side effects for me really, just some occasionally very vivid dreams :>)

Good luck

   

Thanks jytreberg for your kind words and comment:

Yep, she's 18 months now and just seeing her (and my wife) again after over a month away just lifted my heart.  I resolved after that to never be away that long for work again.  Just too long.

She can say "dada" now and it does as you say warm the heart :>)  I work at home, so I guess am lucky that way (though I also think it can be a distraction sometimes, for example when anxiety wells up....), but when I do head out for meetings I really look forward to seeing her coming up to me when I walk in.

Thanks again

I agree, in my experience (cilatropram) the weening off is not pleasant but the symptoms subside and go away eventually.  That out-of-body experience I think is called "depersonalization". I got it with my anxiety/depression (a common symptom), so cant really ascribe it to the ADs, but I've heard it can be caused by ADs themselves.  Nothing that will harm you, just your brain playing tricks on you, and it will subside as well.

Only other suggestion is to keep tapering even further i.e. cut that crumb of a pill in half once more etc. etc.  My lowest dose at the point of stopping was 2.5 mg / day, which I see is already more than you are at :>)   I'm sure that whenever you stop fully it will get better, just takes time, and maybe some other strategies to deal with the sleeplessness and/or any new hints of anxiety (I'm a huge proponent of mindfulness meditation but there are other ways like exercise etc.).  Remember you are happy now and you will get over any minor hiccups.

Glad to hear things are going well for you.

Good luck!

Hi all, a bit of a late reply to this but yes I also had intrusive, macabre thoughts, ones I really hated having.  They faded away eventually, along with the anxiety and depression.  Your shrink is right, you'll never hurt your kid.  If its still a problem for you I would recommend using the CBT methods, I believe rsooner listed these once, that allow you to address the thoughts as they arise and conclude they are BS simply fabricated by anxiety and a mind thinking too much and not calmed.  The mind can be calmed by a lot of ways, but point is even if you have these thoughts is normal and will be OK.

Cheers

Hi.  Yes as you have seen you are definately NOT alone and the symptoms and issue you have are common.  Great to hear they have indeed dissipated, I found that a combined approach of meds plus relaxation methods (exercise, meditation for me) and talking to my wife a lot, helps best.  Also keeping a journal (and I suppose this forum is partly that anyway).  Everyone is different but the point is, these things pass.  The feelings are not really "you" as you know.

Myself, I had a major issue similar to your's when my daughter was about 3 months.  I became my old self in a couple of months, thanks in part I am sure to this site (far better than the Dr. Google forum madness...).  I come on once in a while when I have a wee relapse, as I am now (anxiety and depersonalization), but this timing actually knowing how I really feel and knowing this will also pass makes a big difference.  I mostly come back on here to just remind myself of what I already know.  I'm not even sure this recent episode is from MPPD....in fact it seemed to come on after I was AWAY from my family (for work) for a month, and really missed them.  So almost the opposite problem maybe, LOL.  But either way, its helpful to come back to this site and see more success stories.  Keep it up and congrats on your baby!



 

Hi rssooner.  Thanks for asking.  Things are well mostly.  Catriona turned 1 the other day and its been fun watching hre grow up and become more and more independent and an amazing kid.  Now that she's just started walking and falling over things like a drunken sailor, I sometimes let what should be a normal/healthy level of worry turned into something a bit excessive, but I try to recognize those times and go do what I know helps - exercise, meditation and other things that relax me.  No major anxiety of depression for several months now, thank god :>) Work is stressful at times still, I recognize that too and recently shifted up my routine a bit as part of my plan to not become a stress cadet again (since I think this more than anything will affect my behaviour with my daughter...not so much the "mourning the old life" thing, which is past ...I'm rather grateful and happy for my life situation now!).  Overall, pretty accepting and happy about things, with a couple hiccups here and there.  Hope other dads out there going through a rough time or with depression or negativity realize that it does get better, but its a process to get better, and I am sure you find what works for you.   

Hey that's great rssooner, well done, and thanks for posting!! 

Yep, been there  It sounds soooooo...familiar right down to the jaundice treatment and the 2 AM frantic phone call from the wife.

Let me be the 4th or 5th to say that its completely normal to feel irritated at your baby when she cries.  I did and still do.  The only difference I guess is now I accept the "bad" feelings together with enjoying the good stuff.  It definately gets easier in time but meantime I suggest strongly you look into a wide variety of techniques that can help you deal with the stress (and get some sleep), especially just regular exercise and also finding your "escape" time.  There is a lot of info and good advice here in the forum in places on methods like relaxation, CBT/positive think, keeping a journal, talking it out with someone, seeing a therapist if that helps etc. etc.  Cheers and congrats on your daughter!

Stymie

HoldOn,

Exactly.  I have also had a bit of a relapse or setback (after a stressful period I think) and pretty much right away I found I was doing things to not let it get out of control, sub-consciously almost (or automatically) and I owe this Forum a lot of gratitude for that.  We'll be OK eh :>)  Hope it works out with the job search, but it will work out whatever way it goes.  I get that too (anxiety over letting my family down) sometimes but I know better now, that they accept me for what I am and that I am so fortunate to have an amazing loving family, which makes me know I am happy deep down...just a matter of accepting the negative emotions and set-backs, dont dwell on them but allow them to exist and notice them with a degree of attachment and knowing they dont define me and what I am.  Thanks again for the List...its always a good reminder.  Especially for me re: diet and exercise.  Excuse me now, my mint tea is ready to drink....

:>)
Stymie 

Hi, congrats on your new addition!  I think it depends on what is keeping you up.  If you are being kept awake by racing thoughts about this or that as you lie there, then I'd say yes its anxiety and there is tons of advice on here about that (as the list that HoldOn posted), once you have pinpointed the issue a bit more.  If its a simpler issue of just not being able to nod off, despite feeling mostly OK (this is my problem still sometimes) I find that a hot shower, a bit of light exercise b4 bed, or some herbal (non-caffeinated) tea, all help.  I've also used melatonin a few times, the "natural" sleeping pill, which can be useful especially when you feel like your whole system/bio clock is getting out of whack due to the bad sleeping patterns.  It definately works...but get ready for some vivid dreaming if u do take it :>)   What helps the most for me though I'd have to say is just having a "winding down" period in the 1-2 hrs b4 bed...reading, light snack, tea, sex with my wife :>) and/or just vegging out a bit and not doing too much that will be on my mind when I go to bed (for me this includes not spending time on the Net or watching TV, as these often awaken me a bit.....and it means also, and critically, making sure C is asleep by 8 or 9 so that my wife and I have a buffer period). 

PS. I too would be keen to read rssooner's thoughts on getting #5 from #3.  In my case, back then when I was feeling poor, I couldnt get access to a qualified therapist (which may be an issue with many) so I relied on this site and the various web materials I found incl. very helpful stuff on BM but also on mindful awareness (which I can go on and on about in terms of how helpful it is in dealing with negative thoughts).  So getting professional help is in some sense, for some people, accessing the right resources on the web.  Maybe a summary table/bibliography with links would be a good idea for this site, in addition to what is already available, (Dr. Courtney if you are reading :>)  I'd be happy to "give something back" and chip in with some of the links I've filed. 

PSS.
Just wanted to add that I'm ok with being forever a "newbie" but rssooner being only a "jr member"after all he has done?!!?  What must one do to be a sr. member around here? LOL:>)