aft,

i read your post and it reminded me of a very close friend that the exact same thing happened to his family that is happening to yours.  their baby was born and was extremely difficult at the beginning so he just took off.  I am a "recovering" father that had PPD after my son was born.  In a lot of men, the combination of being sleep deprived, not being as involved as a husband, being completely overwhelmed, knowing that his life is now dramatically different than it was just a few weeks ago, etc.  My point is....it is A LOT for some men to handle.  I know it was for me.  I believe it goes back to the basic "flight or fight" mentality.  Obviously, he is flying.  If he was excited to have a family than this situation is not something that he ultimately wants.  I was extremely excited to be a father but it all changed and I couldn't control it.  I hated feeling the way i did.  I felt so guilty.  If your husband was like me...he is miserable.  Please let him know that you understand this and you are by his side (my wife did this during my time) and that made all the difference in the world.

My friend ended up returning, getting counseling and ended up having another child.  they are much happier now.

I hope this helps.

rssooner 

Ed and Ozdad,

It is great to hear from you both.  I too haven't been on the site in quite some time.  I am very glad to hear that you both are doing so well.  It seems like forever when I was on here all the time struggling like everyone to get through one day at a time.  I have continued to have a deep passion for this subject and have continue to do interviews with Dr. Courtenay to try and help men like us.

For those who read this....it will get better and easier.  Please get help if you find you are struggling with being a new dad.  There is nothing to be ashamed of and it is the right thing to do to be a better father.

rssooner

SadDad,

Congratulations on your daughter!!

Most of us come to this site and post on here for many reasons but I believe the two major one's are 1.  to get help and 2. to help others.  It is rewarding to hear the it helped you.  Please don't be a stranger to the site when you need it again or to help others that are going through difficult times like we did.

Congratulations again.

rssooner

It is very easy to be tense and have anxiety waiting for the next cry.  I will tell you that you will look back and ask yourself why you got so upset over it all.  When your child wakes up crying or just will not stop crying just take a deep breath, count to ten and ask yourself why am i getting so stressed and anxious.  If you take a quick moment to think it through you will begin to realize that there is nothing you can do differently than just care for and love your child.  right now it feels like a HUGE alarm is going off but it's all very normal and will get better through time.  This may sound strange but i was told to actually talk to my stress and anxiety in my mind as if it were actually a person.  Acknowledging it and talking to it actually takes it's "power" away and doesn't impact you nearly as much as it did in the past.  Try that several times and see if that works.

i hope that helps.

rssooner

torgo,

Congratulations on your son!!! 

I could type for probably hours responding to you about what you are going through but i will keep it short.  If you read through the older posts than you will know that I am one of the "original" posters on here.  My son is now almost 3 years old (holly crap I can't believe he is already that old).  Like I have told other new fathers...IT WILL GET SO MUCH MORE FUN AND ENJOYABLE!!

You are going through the hardest part of being a new father...there will be other challenges along the way and you will overcome them too but right now it is very hard b/c your son is not giving back much right now.  He has been on this earth for only a few weeks and he is all screwed up trying to adjust to his new environment.  Trust me...you are being a great dad.  You are trying your best to help your wife and be engaged with your son.  There is no doubt that he will cry and he will cry no matter what you do to stop it.  Putting him down and walking away is probably the best thing you can do.  You realize that and that is a huge step in the right direction.  Crying will not harm your baby!   

Like I was told and have passed it along to others here...you are not alone...you realized that you aren't feeling the way you want to feel.  You are sleep deprived and mentally drained.  It will get better!  For some reason if you don't feel better shortly than get help.  Do not waiste time hoping it will just go away.  That may be along time to wait and precious time wasted not enjoying your new life as a father.

You will notice your son start to smile, laugh and respond to you in a couple/few weeks.  That is a huge first step.  Then he will start playing with things and you can get involved in that.  Once my son started responding to my presence it started to change for me.  He will start crawling in a few months then you will wish he was still laying around then he will start walking at about a year than you will wish he was back to just crawling. LOL.  No my son is "Daddy?, Daddy? Daddy?" about 50 times a day and it's the best thing ever!!  You will have so much fun with him. 

I hope this helps.

rssooner

Rodders,

Man...i really felt like i was reading my biography.  From the great responses you have received from Ed and Ozdad it is VERY obvious you are not alone.  Please remember that!!  I will not repeat what these other great fathers have told you but I will only add to it.  You are in a VERY challenging part of life right now.  Please keep in mind that you did not choose to feel this way.  You did not look in the mirror and say "i want to feel totally distant to the most important things in my life".  It is ok to feel the way you do!! The most important thing you have acknowledege is the fact it does not feel right and you want to feel better.  That is a HUGE thing!!  I promise you that you will feel better.  It may not feel that way but you will.  Please keep in mind that anti depressants are not a cure...they are only a tool to help.  If you find you are not getting better and feeling good that you continue to seek help.

i hope this helps.

rssooner

Ed,

Just another side to this to think about...if you find yourself not feeling right after stopping...there is NOTHING wrong with being on the medication.  It is not a sign of weakness.  Keep the bottom line in mind and thats to be the best father you can be and if that's by taking a pill a day than i would say that is a very small sacrifice.

good luck.

rssooner

i have taken A.D. on a couple of occasions and they have always been EXTREMELY difficult to wean off of for me.  I did like you in that i kept cutting down the dose but then i just had suck it up and go through it.  it was not fun but did finally go away.  i wish there i had better news for you

rssooner

coloradodaddy,

do i have some advice for you.  My son is also (almost) 3 years old and he is pushing EVERY button he knows how to push (especially with my wife since she stays home with him).  She actually went to our therapist that I have used in the past with my PPD with the birth of my son.  He is known world wide for some of his therapy.  Here is what he said for us to do.

When your child wines, doesn't listen or tests his boundaries you get down on their eye level and DO NOT YELL but in a stern voice give them a choice and one choice only.  Tell them that what he/she is doing is not good behavior and you can either stop yelling and kicking the door or go to timeout.  Always give them a choice so they learn to understand consequences.  He told us we needed to do it regardless of the time of day.  The main point here is the BOTH of you have to be 110% consistent.  Your daughter will learn quickly.  He also said you may be doing this 10-12 times a day at first and that is ok. 

I think if you and your wife come to an understanding about doing this and you are not yelling and using a more firm voice she will see the difference and things may get better.

I hope this helps.

rssooner

ozdad,

i can't believe your daughter is almost a year old.  thats just great!!


first..having a wife that is so supportive is truly a gift so make sure you take care of her. 

second...watching your child change so fast can be overwhelming.  I experienced it as well.  I remembered when my son kept climbing out of his crib (which your daughter most likely will do at some point)  i got so freaked out and had a lot of anxiety about him going from crib to toddler bed.  i literally had to stop myself during the anxiety and tell myself that i needed to enjoy this and take in the fact he was growing and developing.  once i was able to "accept" it and tell myself to enjoy it, it became so much better.  now...i embrace the change.

hope this helps.

rssooner

Revt,

Congratulations on your baby boy!!!  If i could fast forward you to your son being 2 yrs 9 months old like mine...you would simply look back and tell yourself how truly lucky and fortunate you are to have the family you have.  I promise you...it gets better at each phase of your son's life.  Unfortunately, I wasn't able to see that when I was in the phase you are currently in.  Like Chevdoc mentioned and I agree with...it's a total shock to your life.  I was exactly your age when I got married then I had my son at 35.  I had 35 years of basically doing what i wanted to do...now you have a little guy your taking care of that is 100% calling the shots.  I promise you...it does get so much better.  You are in so deep right now it is very hard to see it but take it from dads that have gone through it...it gets so much more enjoyable and fun.  Right now you are in survival mode.  it's ok to be in survival mode.  it's ok not to be having a lot of fun right now.  caring for a child that doesnt communicate back to you except for crying is very hard to take.  please do not beat yourself up and feel guilty.  you are doing the right things by getting help.  I agree with you it is a combination of both therapy and medication.  in my opinion..medication alone will not help you as much than doing both..

Hang in there...you will be just fine.  keep posting to let us know how you are doing.

rssooner

There is actually a large study published in the A.M.A. (American Medical Association) on postpartum in men.  It is now has a medical diagnosis for it. 

I am not saying that this gives us an excuse but actually it gives us a reason to seek help.  Like I have mentioned on here before, we don't look in the mirror in the morning and say, "Well...today I want to feel sad and anxious and in fact, so much so that I want to just run away and not deal with being a father"

We are on here b/c something didn't feel right.  I commend you on that.

No different....I think your wife was frustrated.  It happens...trust me..my wife gets frustrated all the time with me.  What I need to work on is being more empathetic to her.  If I was able to do that then it would eliminate at least 75% of our disagreements.  If you're like me then you may want to take a look at being more empathetic too.

I hope this helps.

rssooner

chevdoc and frency70,

first, I am 38 years old with a 2 1/2 old son.  I was one of the first to post on here and it was well worth it so i urge you to keep using the site. 

Relationships with spouses/sign. others take a huge hit when you have children.  mine certainly has had its ups and downs.  dealing with the adjustment of having a child and not meeting our own expectations takes a huge hit on us as a father, husband, b.f. and as a man.  The guilt is overwhelming to say the least.  I know this b/c I felt this all too much.  What I have learned is to do 3 things.  1. Communicate, Communicate and then communicate even more with your spouse/sign. other. 2.  Do the very best you can.  You may not always be the super dad but as long as you love your child and do your best then you are going to raise a great child 3.  Don't be so hard on yourself.  Don't beat yourself up if you have a bad day.  If you keep these in mind everyday then your positive outlook will over power the negative.

i hope this helps.

rssooner

I couldn't of said it any better   

We all have either looked on this site or posted/responded on this site because we have identified that something just isn't right.  That is a huge step!!!  It doesn't mean we are weak...it's actually the opposite.  We want to be better fathers and husbands.

Regards,
rssooner

m's dad,

ozdad states a great way to keep thinking positive.  try and enjoy where you are at with your child but sometimes looking ahead to what will be can keep you going.  try to keep in mind that the phase you are in with your child is only a temporary part of your lives and the next exciting one is right around the corner.  i have a struggle trying not to stress out about the particular moment I am in and i am trying to train myself to just except it and know that it will pass and another great one will begin.  my son is 2 1/2 and is testing every boundary he can think of.  have fun with this phase...lol

i also think just being sick and not feeling good can get us a little depressed and can cause some anxiety.  I am very confident that you will be feeling back to normal when you feel better.

i hope this helps.

rssooner